apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
