We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
