How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
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