I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
