did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
