My sheets look like a crime scene.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
