I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just want nice things and good sex
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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