I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
