Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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