We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
