So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
