the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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