literally had 100 drinks last night.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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