Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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