my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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