You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
