I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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