I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
