God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I accidentally had phone sex last night
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
