My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
