i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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