well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
