I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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