My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
