I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
