return my video game
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
