last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
