a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
