you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
