the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
