I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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