They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
