This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
