she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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