I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
