I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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