he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
