wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i drank out of a bidet.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
