I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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