You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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