I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I will pee on everything he values.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
