just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
