I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
