I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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