i wish there were pregnant emoticons
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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