that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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