There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
