it wasn't lemon gatorade
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize