I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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