Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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