Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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