What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We have so much sex to catch up on
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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