why didn't you poke me back
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
