Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize