Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
