after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
