There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
PANTIES FOUND
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