ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
