I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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