when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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