I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
