Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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