i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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