i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize