You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
