I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Someone came in the potted fern
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
