I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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